Trying too hard

Sometimes I think I try too hard. Tonight, Sean and I were thinking of getting together to exchange gifts. He declined and the rest of his text messages seemed short. I don’t want to pry. I don’t want to try to understand what’s going on. I feel rejected and I don’t want to chase him. I hate chasing.

When I was dating Jessica, she would sulk. I would chase her, asking what was wrong and almost obsessing over the problem. It didn’t make things better. It usually made them worse. And the energy it takes to worry about someone else… it’s absolutely exhausting. If Sean is upset, I refuse to care. If he’s not, I’m misreading the situation and nothing really changes.

The situation isn’t always so easy. When I was still ‘interested’ in Melissa, I tried way too hard to keep her happy. It’s not as though she was unhappy without my  interference… she’s a generally happy person. It was more ‘little things’. I brought her hot cocoa, I kept asking questions about her (we all love being the center of attention), I made jokes. I tried way to hard.

Just the other day, I asked Prof.  Mayer (Greg) what our final grades were. I didn’t consider for a minute that she wouldn’t be alright with me knowing her final grade. It is kind of rude to assume, but we obviously both had ‘A’s in the course… it seems silly to get upset. Well, she did get upset and I spent the next two days trying to convince her of how badly I felt about the situation. I didn’t even play with the idea of telling her she was being silly, since we both had ‘A’s guaranteed. The same basic scenario took place with Julie. When I left her grad party (because I felt very intimidated by all the family that she had there), she got upset at me. Instead of worrying about my social anxiety, she got bent out of shape. And I spent the next 3 days texting her how sorry I was about leaving early.

I’m sick of trying. People walk over you without even a thank you. Melissa even brought up the grade thing tonight. Maybe it’s not obvious to her but that hurt. I’m embarrassed about it. And it’s a little painful to twist that knife.

We’ll see how long it lasts. It’s easier to do with family and close friends than girls. Even though I’m not ‘interested’ in either of the girls.  But that’s a different post for a different time.


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