Decisions

So, I have the offer from Nevada and the offer from Marek. I really need to make a choice. Nevada would be sooooo cool but it pays sooooooo little. Rogers told me today that either one is a good first experience. All things equal, Nevada would win. But all things are not equal. The almighty dollar claims its place as my ruler.

I think I’ll go with Marek. Debbie doesn’t seem to approve. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately. I can’t help but read into her attention… it is a rude cycle that perpetuates increased interest. We’ll spend time together, which makes me more interested which leads me to ask for more time together. We shall see. She’s incredbily laid back and fun loving. That’s the reason why I don’t think it’s really an opportunity. She’s fun loving. I’m just another person to interact with, not a person of interest. Which is fine, I guess. I’ll enjoy the last weeks of this. Last night we stayed up until the sun rose. Arturo, Debbie and I went to the beach and watched as day broke over the lake.

Even if she was interested, how can I justify pursuing something like this? I’m tired of hurting people. I’m tired of being hurt. The point of life is to minimize regret. I regret most of my relationships. Life is simpler, cleaner, more aesthetic when we live alone. Introducing emotions clouds the waters that otherwise reflect a clear, rocky bottom. Learning the contours and currents of the water is enough of a challenge. Doing it while blinded in turbidity is senselessly hard (unintentional pun).

I’ll admit though, I am spending a lot of time thinking about it. Today she said she wanted to just ‘curl up and fall asleep.’ It was impossible to resist imagining laying next to her, slipping into warm unconsciousness as our breaths grew slower and deeper together. And every so often, the thought of her lips against mine… it’s a thrilling image. Hard to push aside.

On the note of girls, I saw Melissa today. It is so frustrating to know it’s always going to be a friendly relationship.  She’s like a puppy: happy to see me and totally unaware of the thoughts behind my words. She’s beautiful. And we click on a rhythmic, effortless level. It’s hard to think of her without thinking of an unrequited love. But, of course, that is falsely grandiose and hyperbolic.

I actually deleted her number from my phone so that I would stop texting her. Now that we text less frequently, she replies immediately. She’s that kind of girl – the more interested and expressive you are, the less interested and expressive she becomes. It borders on repulsive. But she’s still beautiful.

Since we’re on the subject of old girlfriends (kinda), I texted Kathleen tonight. Actually, I’ve had a lot of interaction with her in the past few days, relatively. Again, a beautiful body and a tart personality. Not to say that she’s unbearable, she’s just standoffish to people who give her their approval. If you hold it back, she caters to you.

Anyways, the night is getting late. Debbie and I are seeing Hamlet tomorrow at 7:30pm and I need to do a workout or two. It ought to be nice-ish. I’ve been swimming more frequently but biking and running less. My last run was a 10.5 miler at 6:49 pace. I was super happy about that. But not having run in a week… I’m digging a hole.

For the record, I bought a baby map turtle and named him ‘Topo’. I also have a disappointing Axolotl. But the expo was pretty cool, if a financial blow I did not wisely consider. Pictures to come

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