Archive for April, 2011

Decisions

So, I have the offer from Nevada and the offer from Marek. I really need to make a choice. Nevada would be sooooo cool but it pays sooooooo little. Rogers told me today that either one is a good first experience. All things equal, Nevada would win. But all things are not equal. The almighty dollar claims its place as my ruler.

I think I’ll go with Marek. Debbie doesn’t seem to approve. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately. I can’t help but read into her attention… it is a rude cycle that perpetuates increased interest. We’ll spend time together, which makes me more interested which leads me to ask for more time together. We shall see. She’s incredbily laid back and fun loving. That’s the reason why I don’t think it’s really an opportunity. She’s fun loving. I’m just another person to interact with, not a person of interest. Which is fine, I guess. I’ll enjoy the last weeks of this. Last night we stayed up until the sun rose. Arturo, Debbie and I went to the beach and watched as day broke over the lake.

Even if she was interested, how can I justify pursuing something like this? I’m tired of hurting people. I’m tired of being hurt. The point of life is to minimize regret. I regret most of my relationships. Life is simpler, cleaner, more aesthetic when we live alone. Introducing emotions clouds the waters that otherwise reflect a clear, rocky bottom. Learning the contours and currents of the water is enough of a challenge. Doing it while blinded in turbidity is senselessly hard (unintentional pun).

I’ll admit though, I am spending a lot of time thinking about it. Today she said she wanted to just ‘curl up and fall asleep.’ It was impossible to resist imagining laying next to her, slipping into warm unconsciousness as our breaths grew slower and deeper together. And every so often, the thought of her lips against mine… it’s a thrilling image. Hard to push aside.

On the note of girls, I saw Melissa today. It is so frustrating to know it’s always going to be a friendly relationship.  She’s like a puppy: happy to see me and totally unaware of the thoughts behind my words. She’s beautiful. And we click on a rhythmic, effortless level. It’s hard to think of her without thinking of an unrequited love. But, of course, that is falsely grandiose and hyperbolic.

I actually deleted her number from my phone so that I would stop texting her. Now that we text less frequently, she replies immediately. She’s that kind of girl – the more interested and expressive you are, the less interested and expressive she becomes. It borders on repulsive. But she’s still beautiful.

Since we’re on the subject of old girlfriends (kinda), I texted Kathleen tonight. Actually, I’ve had a lot of interaction with her in the past few days, relatively. Again, a beautiful body and a tart personality. Not to say that she’s unbearable, she’s just standoffish to people who give her their approval. If you hold it back, she caters to you.

Anyways, the night is getting late. Debbie and I are seeing Hamlet tomorrow at 7:30pm and I need to do a workout or two. It ought to be nice-ish. I’ve been swimming more frequently but biking and running less. My last run was a 10.5 miler at 6:49 pace. I was super happy about that. But not having run in a week… I’m digging a hole.

For the record, I bought a baby map turtle and named him ‘Topo’. I also have a disappointing Axolotl. But the expo was pretty cool, if a financial blow I did not wisely consider. Pictures to come

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Sick fish and poor form

I’m baby-sitting a few fish for Mladen while they try to recover from a nasty infection. It may be ick, it may be fungal. Either way, these fish are disgusting. Yuck.

I’ve been a little down in the dumps lately. My blog shows that I’ve been feeling blue (since I only blog when I’m blue, that doesn’t say much) and I can’t put my finger on the reason. Part of it may be that terrible weather. It rained most of the day (a little snow) and then it was so cold that I didn’t even run.

My right calve is sore from the time trial (Wednesday?). It feels strained. I may try to heat it tonight, we’ll see if that does any good. Tomorrow, Mladen and I are suppose to go to a reptile show in Wheaton. I just googled it and it’s 2 hours away. I don’t really want to spend 2 hours in a car (one way) to go see some turtles. I’d rather sleep in and maybe run. Hanging out with Mladen is cool but after an hour the conversation grows stale. There are only so many times that you can mention turtles before realizing that you have nothing else in common.

He sometimes suggests that I need a girl friend. Not that I ‘need’ a girl friend but that I should have one. I think it’s just his Serbian self… it probably doesn’t make sense that a girl friend is more of a hindrance than anything else. He is, of course, engaged to Amanda. I would shoot myself if I was engaged at 23. Does he realize that his future is basically amputated? Anything that he ever wants to do will have to be a ‘team’ effort? If not in the actual work, then in the commitment to start?

That seems like way too much to me. It’s one thing to tie yourself down to a ‘significant other.’ But to take it two steps farther and become engaged? Mladen is very unique. I could never do it.

Hopefully this ‘bleh’ will pass and the weather too. It’s too close to the end of school and racing to start to shut down.

Update on April Fools’

I’m tired. I’ve been studying a lot for Calc and after our test on Tuesday, I’ve been cruising. It’s hard to wake up for class when you can’t fall asleep until 3 am. The Den/duty keep me up late. I’ve been studying with Chelsea and I may have a very tiny crush. But only very tiny. I can’t tell if she has anything on her mind besides math. I doubt it. The same with Debbie. I don’t understand how girls interact with guys they aren’t interested in. I mean, it makes sense from an abstract point, but in practice, it’s impossible. Whatever, it’s just a gust of wind – it’s effects are felt but pass without any meaningful impact.

I got the job with Marek and I’m now looking for summer sublets in Milwaukee. It’s exciting but a little intimidating.

My training has been coming along. I went for a run (a week ago) that was absolutely fantastic. 7.5 miles at 6:42 pace. My right foot is a little sore from cycling. I need to break from cycling and keep running.

Idk what I’m still doing online. I’m going to bed now. Just feeling ‘bleh’.