Retrograde

The title is a loose analogy. Retrograde is when a celestial body appears to move in one direction, reverse it’s direction, and then continue in the original. It’s something to do with the position of the observer. As the Earth moves like a clock, it may move towards and then away from the object. So it appears that the object is moving one direction and then in the other.

Anyways. After feeling ‘good’ for the past 2 months, I’m starting to get negative again. It’s a combination of Victoria and Sean. Sean was mad that I assisted Jenna. She just wanted to say ‘hi’ to his mom, since she was sick. Sean feels like Jenna is trying to pry her way back into his life. I think she just misses a positive figure like Chrissy in her life – it’s compounded by Chrissy’s illness. So, we were suppose to get lunch today but he called around 4 pm and said it probably wouldn’t work. He sounded sincerely sorry but I’d rather not try to determine his motives. I’m willing to just put up a wall and ignore it.

Victoria called and explained the ‘fifth’ thing. I don’t know. It’s just weird. And I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to use it as an excuse to get rid of the ‘relationship’ we have. On the other hand, I’ll admit that she didn’t do anything ostensibly wrong and I would be hypocritical to be judgmental. It’s just an unfamiliar place to be in. All the times I’ve been forgiving and understanding… I want to hold something over someone for once. But without a purpose, it feels even more childish and cruel. I don’t know how to act.

My attraction to Debbie is ebbing. She seems very reserved and I’m guessing that she has figured out my feelings. So, I’m going to try to keep from texting and being overly friendly. It’s too bad that I manage to sabotage most of  the female friendships  I have.

So,  retrograde. I’m thinking that I may move ‘backwards’ while still moving forward. If I can figure out how to withdraw from all this damn socialness, I think my training will improve and I can avoid these awkward circumstances. If I get rid of the stove, I may not be able to fry an egg – but I won’t burn myself. It’s a weird way to exist but I think it’s ultimately easier. Just gimme a bike and my peace.

On a slightly positive note, I applied to about four jobs over the weekend. Looking forward to some new experience – YCC and the REC aren’t cutting it. Very hopeful for ‘Marek Landscaping’.

Calculus is  very difficult.  I’m just hoping for a D. I’ll be happy to graduate.

Anywho, I’m suppose to be reading a paper for Evolution. Allyson and I are meeting today at 7:30am to do an extra part. I hope it goes ok. Her texts are curt but she seems friendly in person. I just don’t know what she’s thinking. I hope she’s not still mad.

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