I’m hurt. On a run last night, about 4 miles in, I had to stop. My IT band stikes again. I walked to a gas station and called a taxi. Not good. I had to call into work today too. It hurt too much to walk. I would have been useless and embarressed.

It is very frustrating to think that all of the work I’ve put in over the past year may again be dashed against the rocks of one shitty run. It was an easy, short run and out of the mist of the inky black night – my knee was wrecked against an unseen reef.

Fml. Icing and ibuprofen. Trying to massage too. We shall see.

Decisions

So, I have the offer from Nevada and the offer from Marek. I really need to make a choice. Nevada would be sooooo cool but it pays sooooooo little. Rogers told me today that either one is a good first experience. All things equal, Nevada would win. But all things are not equal. The almighty dollar claims its place as my ruler.

I think I’ll go with Marek. Debbie doesn’t seem to approve. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately. I can’t help but read into her attention… it is a rude cycle that perpetuates increased interest. We’ll spend time together, which makes me more interested which leads me to ask for more time together. We shall see. She’s incredbily laid back and fun loving. That’s the reason why I don’t think it’s really an opportunity. She’s fun loving. I’m just another person to interact with, not a person of interest. Which is fine, I guess. I’ll enjoy the last weeks of this. Last night we stayed up until the sun rose. Arturo, Debbie and I went to the beach and watched as day broke over the lake.

Even if she was interested, how can I justify pursuing something like this? I’m tired of hurting people. I’m tired of being hurt. The point of life is to minimize regret. I regret most of my relationships. Life is simpler, cleaner, more aesthetic when we live alone. Introducing emotions clouds the waters that otherwise reflect a clear, rocky bottom. Learning the contours and currents of the water is enough of a challenge. Doing it while blinded in turbidity is senselessly hard (unintentional pun).

I’ll admit though, I am spending a lot of time thinking about it. Today she said she wanted to just ‘curl up and fall asleep.’ It was impossible to resist imagining laying next to her, slipping into warm unconsciousness as our breaths grew slower and deeper together. And every so often, the thought of her lips against mine… it’s a thrilling image. Hard to push aside.

On the note of girls, I saw Melissa today. It is so frustrating to know it’s always going to be a friendly relationship.  She’s like a puppy: happy to see me and totally unaware of the thoughts behind my words. She’s beautiful. And we click on a rhythmic, effortless level. It’s hard to think of her without thinking of an unrequited love. But, of course, that is falsely grandiose and hyperbolic.

I actually deleted her number from my phone so that I would stop texting her. Now that we text less frequently, she replies immediately. She’s that kind of girl – the more interested and expressive you are, the less interested and expressive she becomes. It borders on repulsive. But she’s still beautiful.

Since we’re on the subject of old girlfriends (kinda), I texted Kathleen tonight. Actually, I’ve had a lot of interaction with her in the past few days, relatively. Again, a beautiful body and a tart personality. Not to say that she’s unbearable, she’s just standoffish to people who give her their approval. If you hold it back, she caters to you.

Anyways, the night is getting late. Debbie and I are seeing Hamlet tomorrow at 7:30pm and I need to do a workout or two. It ought to be nice-ish. I’ve been swimming more frequently but biking and running less. My last run was a 10.5 miler at 6:49 pace. I was super happy about that. But not having run in a week… I’m digging a hole.

For the record, I bought a baby map turtle and named him ‘Topo’. I also have a disappointing Axolotl. But the expo was pretty cool, if a financial blow I did not wisely consider. Pictures to come

Sick fish and poor form

I’m baby-sitting a few fish for Mladen while they try to recover from a nasty infection. It may be ick, it may be fungal. Either way, these fish are disgusting. Yuck.

I’ve been a little down in the dumps lately. My blog shows that I’ve been feeling blue (since I only blog when I’m blue, that doesn’t say much) and I can’t put my finger on the reason. Part of it may be that terrible weather. It rained most of the day (a little snow) and then it was so cold that I didn’t even run.

My right calve is sore from the time trial (Wednesday?). It feels strained. I may try to heat it tonight, we’ll see if that does any good. Tomorrow, Mladen and I are suppose to go to a reptile show in Wheaton. I just googled it and it’s 2 hours away. I don’t really want to spend 2 hours in a car (one way) to go see some turtles. I’d rather sleep in and maybe run. Hanging out with Mladen is cool but after an hour the conversation grows stale. There are only so many times that you can mention turtles before realizing that you have nothing else in common.

He sometimes suggests that I need a girl friend. Not that I ‘need’ a girl friend but that I should have one. I think it’s just his Serbian self… it probably doesn’t make sense that a girl friend is more of a hindrance than anything else. He is, of course, engaged to Amanda. I would shoot myself if I was engaged at 23. Does he realize that his future is basically amputated? Anything that he ever wants to do will have to be a ‘team’ effort? If not in the actual work, then in the commitment to start?

That seems like way too much to me. It’s one thing to tie yourself down to a ‘significant other.’ But to take it two steps farther and become engaged? Mladen is very unique. I could never do it.

Hopefully this ‘bleh’ will pass and the weather too. It’s too close to the end of school and racing to start to shut down.

Update on April Fools’

I’m tired. I’ve been studying a lot for Calc and after our test on Tuesday, I’ve been cruising. It’s hard to wake up for class when you can’t fall asleep until 3 am. The Den/duty keep me up late. I’ve been studying with Chelsea and I may have a very tiny crush. But only very tiny. I can’t tell if she has anything on her mind besides math. I doubt it. The same with Debbie. I don’t understand how girls interact with guys they aren’t interested in. I mean, it makes sense from an abstract point, but in practice, it’s impossible. Whatever, it’s just a gust of wind – it’s effects are felt but pass without any meaningful impact.

I got the job with Marek and I’m now looking for summer sublets in Milwaukee. It’s exciting but a little intimidating.

My training has been coming along. I went for a run (a week ago) that was absolutely fantastic. 7.5 miles at 6:42 pace. My right foot is a little sore from cycling. I need to break from cycling and keep running.

Idk what I’m still doing online. I’m going to bed now. Just feeling ‘bleh’.

Retrograde

The title is a loose analogy. Retrograde is when a celestial body appears to move in one direction, reverse it’s direction, and then continue in the original. It’s something to do with the position of the observer. As the Earth moves like a clock, it may move towards and then away from the object. So it appears that the object is moving one direction and then in the other.

Anyways. After feeling ‘good’ for the past 2 months, I’m starting to get negative again. It’s a combination of Victoria and Sean. Sean was mad that I assisted Jenna. She just wanted to say ‘hi’ to his mom, since she was sick. Sean feels like Jenna is trying to pry her way back into his life. I think she just misses a positive figure like Chrissy in her life – it’s compounded by Chrissy’s illness. So, we were suppose to get lunch today but he called around 4 pm and said it probably wouldn’t work. He sounded sincerely sorry but I’d rather not try to determine his motives. I’m willing to just put up a wall and ignore it.

Victoria called and explained the ‘fifth’ thing. I don’t know. It’s just weird. And I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I want to use it as an excuse to get rid of the ‘relationship’ we have. On the other hand, I’ll admit that she didn’t do anything ostensibly wrong and I would be hypocritical to be judgmental. It’s just an unfamiliar place to be in. All the times I’ve been forgiving and understanding… I want to hold something over someone for once. But without a purpose, it feels even more childish and cruel. I don’t know how to act.

My attraction to Debbie is ebbing. She seems very reserved and I’m guessing that she has figured out my feelings. So, I’m going to try to keep from texting and being overly friendly. It’s too bad that I manage to sabotage most of  the female friendships  I have.

So,  retrograde. I’m thinking that I may move ‘backwards’ while still moving forward. If I can figure out how to withdraw from all this damn socialness, I think my training will improve and I can avoid these awkward circumstances. If I get rid of the stove, I may not be able to fry an egg – but I won’t burn myself. It’s a weird way to exist but I think it’s ultimately easier. Just gimme a bike and my peace.

On a slightly positive note, I applied to about four jobs over the weekend. Looking forward to some new experience – YCC and the REC aren’t cutting it. Very hopeful for ‘Marek Landscaping’.

Calculus is  very difficult.  I’m just hoping for a D. I’ll be happy to graduate.

Anywho, I’m suppose to be reading a paper for Evolution. Allyson and I are meeting today at 7:30am to do an extra part. I hope it goes ok. Her texts are curt but she seems friendly in person. I just don’t know what she’s thinking. I hope she’s not still mad.

All secrets have a half-life

I’m watching a documentary about nuclear weapons and that’s one of the quotes.  Pretty cool.

When Victoria came in January,  she asked me to visit her at least once in Madison. I went – two weeks ago.  I was hoping to avoid physical-ness and of course, that didn’t work. Madison was impressive. Victoria and I got along well. On one hand, we could do so well together. On the other, why try? I recall a fair amount of difficulty in our last try.

She’s in Tennessee right now. She drank tonight and texted that she had done 5 new things, most of them naked. The last thing (which I guessed was kissing a girl) she won’t tell me. It’s beginning to worry me. Whatever it is, it’s unknown. That ‘not knowing’ is uncomfortable.

Visiting Seansy this weekend. His mom is sick and in the hospital. I can’t imagine how that must feel.

I’m tired. Night night.

Turning over a new leaf?

Even since Victoria and I kinda reunited, I’ve been so much calmer. Far less angst and paranoia. It’s a weird idea: that someone else could make me happy like that.

I’ve been relying on naps to get my 7 hours of sleep. Today will not be an exception. Headed to bed, gotta wake up to move my car by 9 am and then help Opa shovel (this was the blizzard week).

Unexpected

Victoria spent the night last night and the night before. She’s planning to come back on January 4th to stay over again.

This was unexpected…

et alia

Other people are inaccessible.

Last night Sean was over. We played Halo and talked. I just don’t understand how to interact with him anymore.  Our conversation is never stale, but it lacks the energy and novelty of a year ago.

Melissa texted tonight and I got so lost in the converation. At first, it seemed like she had been waiting for me to text. Good sign, right? But then when I asked what she was doing this week, she told me she was leaving tomorrow. I surmised she was going to visit her boyfriend in Kentucky, which she confirmed. I asked when she was getting back, but she said that she’d be busy with a math class. I don’t understand. Admittedly, I’m still crushing on her and she may not want to hang out… but if she’s not aware, then why avoid me? Is it really avoiding or just circumstance? If it’s just circumstance then I’m being paranoid. She asked me to text her in the morning, she had something she wanted to tell me. I’m guessing it’s her semester GPA. If it’s her GPA, I’ll be a little disappointed. I can’t help but hope she sees something between us.

After my little birthday tantrum, I think most of the RA staff doesn’t like me, Emily especially. Probably Brittney.

I just don’t understand what to do. I don’t want a girlfriend. But I miss intimacy. It’d be much easier if that was feeling was reversed. I miss Victoria. And Jessica. And even Alyson a little. Seeing her in class was always a little weird heart wrench. I know that we weren’t a good couple but knowing that  someone cared about me… that’s a feeling I really miss.

Mladen came over tonight and gave me a turtle.  I’ll be babysitting it until his other turtle heals up. It was just a little difficult to  avoid staring at Amanda’s cleavage… it was definitely hanging out there (that may be the loneliness).

I’m grateful that he’s helping out but sometimes I don’t know what to say back to him. He invited me over tomorrow. I’ll go and we’ll have an ok time. But I’m just afraid of not understanding what he wants from me.

This is a whiny blog. It’s just so difficult to understand what people want.  I assume they want something because I want something from them. It’s how I define our interactions.

Maybe it’ll just be a little time adjusting to being alone, without a girl. And then I need to  get back to being alone. The apartment was so nice, so quiet and stress free. I don’t want to be a weirdo who lives alone and gets really involved with animals but I could see having a few turtles, my bike and a decent life.

It’s all very premature but I feel compelled to imagine.

For the record

This is my first post and I feel compelled to preamble before I just start to babble.

I’ve already used ‘I’ 4 times in these two sentences. ‘I’ is a very dirty word (as a letter, it’s not so bad).  ‘I’ represents the id and self-absorption, the desire to tell others how important YOU are and keep the focus on your own life. ‘I’ hate it when people are ego-centric, when they can’t stop talking about their own experiences and their personal opinions. We all have that desire, most of us have the common sense to wrestle it down in public.

Unfortunately, the whole point of the ‘blog’ is to talk about yourself. This leaves me in a pickle.  On the one hand, talking about myself is distasteful. On the other, sometimes that’s the only way to see things clearly. The blog is the lesser evil;  I won’t bore people with my stories or burden them with my stress. I’ll direct my angst  and confusion at the empty white glow of the test field and hope for the best.

I would have kept up with Myspace’s blog but Sean still reads them. At least for tonight, I don’t want him to know my thoughts.

Good luck and I apologize in advance for all of the ‘I’s.

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